Building safety and capacity

Not a transition out of burnout, but a transition to a new way of living.

Over the last year and a half, I watched my daughter cocoon herself and now I am seeing her re-emerge as a new version of herself.

As I watched my daughter recently, playing, interacting with family and friends, and going out more, I was struck by how much more capacity and energy she seems to have than any time in the last couple of years.

As I reflected on how things have changed, these words came to me:

She disappeared in front of my eyes
Where was she?
A shadow of herself
She faded away

I need a break from people she would say
It all became too much
Unable to leave the house
What had happened?

So young
A mental health crisis
Burntout and exhausted
How was this possible?

An environment with too many demands
Too much sensory overwhelm
Filled with control, lack of autonomy and curiosity
All considered normal and an environment that children can thrive in

But not my child
She disappeared in front of my eyes
A shadow of herself
She faded away

I thought that this was how things would be from now on
Didn’t believe it would end
Small steps of progress
To just go back to being cocooned again

But gradually I am watching her return
The curiosity stays for longer
An interest in the wider world
A new way of living rather than recovery

I see her again
The girl who loved adventures and fun
Who is curious and loves to find out new things

The girl who disappeared in front of my eyes
Is re-emerging as a new version of herself.

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Over the last couple of months, I have noticed my daughter’s capacity grow. It has been beautiful to watch her focus for longer on activities, develop a renewed curiosity to learn new things and spend more time outside of our home, out in the world.

I have thought she had come out of burnout several times over the last year.

I wrote on Substack last August that she seemed to be out of burnout and again last October. But she then seemed to regress back into burnout, cocoon herself again, unable to leave the house and without the capacity to do much more than watch YouTube or play Roblox. I thought the same again in January this year when she had a burst of energy and activity, but this was followed by 5 weeks and 3 days of not leaving the house and she seemed to have gone back into burnout again.

This was confusing.

Looking back now I can see she hadn’t come out of burnout on any of these occasions. She had remained in what Tanya Valentin describes as the ‘long middle’.

When I read Tanya Valentin’s blog post, something clicked in me and what I had observed in my daughter began to make sense. Tanya Valentin talks about three systems that are moved in and out of while safety begins to return: Stabilising Safety, Growing Edges, Integration. And that these are being moved through simultaneously.

Building Safety

When I first took my daughter out of school just over a year and a half ago, I watched as her world got smaller. There were times when it existed only of watching her tablet on her bed or curled up in a blanket on cushions in front of the heater in our front room. Her nervous system needed to recover from functioning in survival mode.

“When a child has been enduring prolonged stress, whether that’s from school, social environments, or any sustained experience that has overwhelmed their nervous system, their threat response works overtime to keep them functioning” – Kristy Forbes

She still retreats to this place of safety after busy days or lots of social interaction.

Valentin calls this ‘stabilising safety’ which is the stage where the nervous system is trying to get out of being in survival.

The last year and a half have been about building safety, having a safe person (me) available, being in a safe space at home and safety in knowing she won’t be forced to do anything she doesn’t want or isn’t able to anymore.

We have just come back from a short holiday at a caravan park. It was quiet because it was not the school holidays, which meant she was able to access activities: a theme park, swimming, arcades and soft play. On our return she has retreated to a place of safety, withdrawal and a need for more control. With days filled mostly with watching YouTube, playing Roblox and needing me to be in the same room as her. A safe place for her nervous system to rest to be able to go back to exploring the world.

Building capacity and expansion

Over and over again over the last year I have seen my daughter try new things and begin to expand her world, but then she would crash again. There were bursts of energy, engagement in activities and social interaction and then withdrawal and retreat. I would think she was out of burnout and then she would seem to regress back into it. And this happened again and again and again.

It was so confusing.

I can see now that it was part of the stages of healing. She began to test what she had capacity for. Then retreated, processed and tried again. Her nervous system was beginning to experiment with expanding. Which Tanya Valentin calls ‘growing edges’.

I can see her testing the edges. She is engaging in new activities outside her safe space, such as our recent caravan holiday and visiting new parks, and is showing an interest in going to a drama club and Girl Guides.

Over the last year I have observed her testing her capacity, expanding, learning from it, re-treating back and then trying again. But something seems different this time, as though we have reached an equilibrium and something sustainable. More testing and expansion as we transition into a new way of living.

A new way of living

I have learnt that recovery isn’t linear and isn’t really recovery at all: it is a rearranging of how to live, learning a new way, building something sustainable. Not a transition out of burnout but a transition to a new way of living.

We are experimenting with how to live differently now. I take into consideration a need for withdrawal and recuperating after extended periods of activity and engagement, like our recent caravan holiday.

I am cautious though of not wanting to do too much. It feels like a careful balance between engaging and stepping out into world without needing to retreat too much or for too long into her safe space. It’s a process of her understanding how much she can do and how to decompress. A process for me of how to support her engagement, what to suggest, when to encourage and when to hold back

As Jodie Clarke says in a podcast episode on Tile Patenting, it is “freeing and liberating and stunning when we see our child re-emerge as to who they are, really who they are and these interests… It’s like they cocoon. I was thinking like a caterpillar, like it cocoons and it decompresses and it stabilizes and then it re-emerges”.

Jodie’s words capture what I have observed in my own daughter.

“Healing is not always returning. Sometimes it is rebuilding differently.” – Tanya Valentin

Thanks for reading

If you have any reflections or insights, I’d love to hear them.

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